“You don’t get from me good and funny headlines. I’m going to treat your bosses the same way they treat me. No respect, no respect. And I’m not speaking about football. Football I’m ready to accept any kind of criticism, even the stupid ones. Private life and stupid things that you bring to light, I don’t like it. So we go to a different level of professional relationship” – José Mourinho announces a new ‘no humour’ policy in press conferences that, most tellingly, reveals that for the past decade he’s been under the impression he’s a regular Captain Funpants.